Facebook Friend #13

Dear Megan Pulvermacher,

OMG, just like the Usher song, except for the fact that I do not know who you are. From first glance from your facebook profile, you don't even go to the same college as me. This brings conspriracy to the thought that, "do I know you?" I checked the easily available facts of "mutual friends" and I see that  have 3 people in common. Crazy, but I really only know one of the friends in common. Sad? maybe, True? of course. I see that you go to the college that is pretty much the rival school of mine... tisk tisk, why would you go to such a school... actually the question that I should be asking is that... Why am I friends with a person that I don't know and someone that happens to be the rival school???

I guess sometimes the world we live in can be really "small." As some people say, "the world is small after all." Crazy to think about that everyone could be really 6 degrees apart. So something in the cosmos probably made us meet, but sadly it didn't keep us in touch. I see that you are in a relationship, congratulations. I give you props to that, because I understand how hard keeping a relationship running can be. Especially if you are graduating in the next year as you according to your facebook profile. Actually I misread your profile and I see that you are a grad student at a college very near mine. I hope that everything is going very well and that you and your significant other are running smooth. I on the other hand, could not handle such an occasion. Your profile picture does not portray yourself, but yet an abstract thought or an idea that you may have during the process of picking a picture out. It seems to be that it is of a cloud that may be a simple demonstration of a snow mountain. (or at least that is what I get out of your profile picture.)

Anyways my friend is cooking breakfast/late night meal at the local time of 2:17am. I taste tested it and it's fabulous. His brother's Profile (it may not work if he has crazy security settings, but lets be honests it may not be worth clicking since he asked/made me mention him in this post.)

Enjoi,

Alastar Swift


PS Merry Christmakkuh! If I do not have a chance to write one on the special day in America!

Facebook Friend #12

Dear Jordan Karth,

Man I can almost remember/see all the freshman memories we had. Freshman year wouldn't have been the same if we didn't cross paths especially when it came to pre-gaming and running the beer pong tables at random house parties. But as we all know, Freshman year has been in the past for about 4 years making it actually hard to pull a lot of specific event ups. I'm sure you joined us pre-gaming before every basketball game and probably all the way up to the National Title game. Remember that crazy 4 kegger right after they won the finals to get to the championship? It started at like 10:30pm and I just remember craziness, and then oh wait... yep... I woke up in a lawn that night/morning (earliest drunken phone call to a friend recorded at like 4:30am) and I just remember being SO lost. But thank god for that Rock on the cliff to guide me home.

Well I think the last time I saw you on campus was around Sophomore year. I wonder what you have been up to. I think you said something about transferring schools? Well I hope that paid off for you, because this college town doesn't offer everything for people to grow and find themselves in. From your profile pic, I see you're a Brewers fan, so I now need to stop typing. This is Twins Territory Son!!

Best of Luck to you old friend,

Alastar Swift

Facebook Friend #11

Dear Alicia Reeves,

Bonjour, comment allez-vous? ca va bien? aah... What can I say, we met freshman year in French class. We didn't know anyone and we became speaking partners. To both our benefit, we both sucked at French. Our teacher wore the tightest black shirt and legging that made me want to drop the class ASAP. I mean I don't want to be mean, but picture a 4'9'' white haired little angry French woman wearing the tightest black outfit that clearly defined her... can I say multiple rolls on her stomach? or is that just too mean? Anyways, we struggled through that class while also partying hard on the weekends. I think we always ran into each other at parties and tried to have a conversation in French but it usually failed miserably. I don't know if it was the fact that both of us were terrible at French or that I was just inebriated past the point of no return. Side note: There was a plus to me taking French other than I thought it would get me ladies. The entire class was full of very, very cute girls. Best "Super Hard" class I've ever taken. And I have to throw out a thank you to the girl that helped me pass the class. ( I wonder if I'm FB friends with her..)

Well taking a glance on your FB page, I see you enjoyed being in the middle of this blizzard that just came over our great state. I hope it didn't take you 30 minutes in the below-zero weather to dig out your car like it took me, but it may be otherwise looking at your status update. Aaah you and your boyfriend look lovely in your profile pic. Good luck with the relationship, as I know that it can get pretty complicated once one or both of you graduate college and try to start a career. I've noticed at this young age, some peoples' lives circle around their significant-other instead of leading their own life. Personally, I am happy being "that part" of their crazy-busy life, while concentrating on the path that is best for me... but that might explain why I am single and have always been dumped. Well maybe I'll catch you at the local restaurant that I always seem to run into you at. Until then...

Cheerio,

Alastar Swift

P.S. Have you ever thought of the term, dumped. I guess it just sounds funny to me. It has a really negative vibe when you say it. I always think, we'll I guess I'm free to do all the things I want to now... but, that's probably from being "dumped" all the time. (haha)

Facebook Friend #10

Dear Mackenzie Moy,

Oh I really don't know where to start. We met through friend's of friends during good ole' freshman year. I remember we had quite the gang of great people. I remember, Thursday nights were very festive for our group as we had quite the taste for "Thirsty Thursday" down at the local Fraternity House. I mean, where else would serve underage kids, right? You were one of the groups girlfriend and if I remember right, it was quite the relationship. Now I have no right to bring things up, but all I will say is that I remember it being quite messy at times. Sadly, I can not recall a single conversation that we may have had together. That is because 1) I either drank too much and "blacked out" all the time 2) we just never had a meaningful conversation. Sad? Yes. True, of course.

Well from your Facebook page, I still see that you enjoy going out on Thursdays still. "I need a drink… Status Update on Thursday" More power to you, as I would probably join but my liver isn't like it used to be when I was a young 18 year old. I hope that you have found a sweet job and that it may actually be challenging, as I for one.. cannot stand boring and easy jobs. My mind needs to be used or else I get really bored fast. Well it's probably been about 3 years since the last time I've seen/talked to you. I wonder what happened, but then I just realized that I didn't like some of your personality traits. I will keep those confidential, but I hope that you have changed to become a better person during the collegiate years that you had. If not, I am sorry to hear that.

Hope that Travelers Insurance keeps you busy and you strive to always be happy.

Cheerio,

Alastar Swift

Facebook Friend #9

Dear Dan McElwee,

… Where to even start with you sir. You were my first college roommate (I had 3 different roommates my freshman year). Man the memories come back to our dorm room, Prentiss 108! Which we actually kept clean because we both were rarely in there. You were pledging a Fraternity for the only semester that you were at college. Why did you drop out so fast? I can't remember for the life of me. At least you got to experience one semester of college right? Well I do have to apologize for making fun of you all the time.. I mean seriously it was way too much fun mimicking your one-of-a-kind voice. I think I can still do it to this day… yep, still got it. (Heey maaan, How'sss it gooinng.) Gotta figure out how to get audio on this, cause that just doesn't do justice.

Your profile pick is pretty tight. You sir, definitely look like the Mad Hatter. Like scary good… not a Johnny Depp kind of good, but you are creepy enough to pull it off. That's in a good way! I hope that you still don't have that crazy screaming band chick poster hanging up that you adored soo much. I mean sometimes I'd walk in and you'd be staring at that poster a little too… well we won't get into that. I remember you did some crazy stuff when J-dawg (2nd roommate, I was in a build up room, which is 3 people in a 2 person dorm) was in the room looking at "adult" websites. I don't even know where to start in the explanation that he was looking up that, and you were.. we'll having too much fun with yourself. Anyways, I hope you've grown out of that phase in life, and accomplishing something. If not, well I guess that's why I haven't heard from you in… 5 years.

Well whatever adventures you're off doing in this crazy world, God Speed

Alastar Swift


Ps. I'm finally graduating this year. How about you?

Facebook Friend #8

Dear Eric Hattey,

First and foremost, I would like to thank you for letting me come to your party when I was a freshman (high school). I had been chasing that upper-class girl (Junior) and she brought me to your place. I remember that you had pulled me aside, gave me a high five, and said, "If you need a spare room, let me know." As being a freshman, I definitely was scared and laughed that one off, even though I know that would have been the best night ever! That night, I learned more than I wanted too, as you told me about the Shrek story that pertained to you and your lady friend. I don't think I'll ever be able to view that movie the same after this remembering that fact. I'm sure I have more memories especially since I was chasing that girl who happened to be part of your friend group, but my memory fades as life has sped me far away from being a high school freshman.

According to your status, You currently are on a diet. I would like to congratulate you on that feat and hope that you also have a work out plan. Diet and and Exercise go hand in hand, like Pumpkin Pie and Whipped, Mashed Potatoes and Gravy, and Turkey and Stuffing. So I hope you stick to your healthy diet plan and accomplish it to your wildest dreams. Is that a for sale sign with a "SOLD" across it? I am going to guess that you bought that piece of land to build your first house? Rock on, you better practice with those lincoln logs to produce a space efficient design.

Good luck with growing up sir, and thank you for introducing me to the "Upper-Classmen" and giving me a chance with that girl.

Cheerio,

Alastar Swift

Facebook Friend #7

Dear Nathan Ahlers,

Strange that I am deleting a fellow Nathan. As I refresh my mind of past memories that I may of had with you, I remember slightly that you were one of those college d-bags. Yes, quite harsh I must state but you deserve it for jumping my friend freshman year when he was walking with his girlfriend. That sir, is not manly. Oh and I remember tracking you down that night and confronting you at a house party. Thinking you were all badass for "beating up someone". Tisk-tisk, what would your mother say if she found out her little boy was jumping innocent couples under the moonlight. I'm sure she wouldn't give you anymore presents… ass. But I must take back some of the harsh-ness, as you did drive me back to my dorms one night as I proceeded to pass out in the bathroom toilet for my best friend to find me. And of course, he then felt the urge to take as many pictures as possible. Thanks again Facebook friend.

Well at first glance, I totally forgot what you looked like, and then I had to guess that you weren't the really creepy dude in your profile picture because 1) I doubt I'd add someone that creepy and 2) I think you were in my freshman orientation class. Anyways, I'd like to add that what the heck is "Ragbrai"? That was your last status post, something on the lines of day 4 of Ragbrai. Sounds kinky, but I'm sure it's quite worthwhile.

Godspeed on whatever adventures you may take in the near future.

Alastar Swift

Facebook Friend #6

Dear Amanda Vernon,

Why your name brings back found memories. Memories of the first day little Alastar Swift set foot onto the "college" world. You were my freshman orientation leader, and you also lied to me! Telling me that all those 8am meetings were required and that I shouldn't go out and party hard. But let's be honest, I still went out, Living the Dream, as some might say. I do have to thank you for your help one weekend night where my friend went to jail. I had called you to find out where the police station was because my friend decided not to run away from the cops, and then proceeded to tell them a fake name. Thinking of it now, I could have received my first minor that night as my friend and I went to the station to pick him up, and my friend had to blow zeroes in order to let our friend out. Good thing I didn't step up to do that, or else I would have be @$%&!

I see that you are married according to Facebook. Congratulations. I do not think that I could take that step anytime in the near future as I have no idea what I'm going to be doing in the next couple years. Don't get me wrong, I might meet the perfect girl tomorrow and totally change my mind but as of right now, Single is the way to go. Reading your past couple status updates, I see that you REALLY enjoy snow. I'm definitely the opposite, I hate making that dreaded walk to my classes. I put on layers of clothes to endure the winter blizzard and then when I get to class I have to strip down to a t-shirt because all the classrooms are like 75+ degrees. Mind you that my house, usually hovers around 58-62 degrees. So I'm used to freezing. Anyways, at least one of us like the Minnesotan winters, Hopefully I'll move somewhere warmer next year.

Remember the circle of trust and that to make a relationship work, sometimes telling everything isn't the best.

Cheerio

Alastar Swift

Facebook Friend #5

Dear Brianna Jones,

When I had stumbled across your name while going through my friend list, it brought me back to freshman year. To be exact I thought of our English 111 class with the crazy Canadian Professor and how I almost failed his course, but somehow managed a solid, B. Another thing that comes to mind is that I want to say we used to go to house at King and Kansas, or it may be the fact that you always called and asked me where the party is. My fondest memory of us, was when you called me and asked me where a party was, and I led you to a totally wrong street address that I had made up. You had called me multiple times which I never answered and me being me, I was laughing my ass off and probably saying some stupid and immature comments of that nature. I guess that's what happens when you drink way too much and spend more time inebriated than sober. I blame that on my friend that always had to end his night in the garbage can.

From your profile picture, it looks like you enjoyed this past halloween weekend. I'm glad to see that you dressed up for the festivities, as so did I. It looks like you may have dressed up as a biker chick? I'm not positive but it's my best guess, I mean you are dressed all in black leather and showing off as much skin as legally possible. Oh by the way, I would love to know why girls like to type in this certain way, "WhY dO yOu TyPe LiKe ThIs In YoUr StAtUs UpDaTeS?" Somethings just I can't wrap my head around, and this may be one of the things I'll never understand.

I hope everything is well in Dubuque, IA

Alastar Swift

Facebook Friend #4

Dear Sammy Davis,

To be honest, no clue nor any recollection of your name. Then I saw you are a high school student planning on graduating this Spring. Which is crazy, because why do I have a high school student (that I don't know) as a friend on Facebook. Creepy. and that goes both ways, adding older men that you don't know of… tisk-tisk, what would your mother be saying if she knew you were trying to go after older boys. Don't get me wrong, I remember a lot of girls when I was in high school going after older ones but still, those were the un-legit ones. So stay in school and please don't be like Pink: Too school for cool.

Looking at your profile picture, I have no idea which one is the "real" Samantha Davis. So either you enjoy looking real angry for picture or you can't keep your tongue in your mouth. And I guess there is a possibility that you may be the third person in the back but that person looks like a dude, and well I hope your parents didn't give you a girls name as a boy. Cause that is the worst mistake a parent can do.. come on though, they don't even give their kids a chance when they give them weird names.

Keep on wishing young Sammy Davis.

Alastar Swift

Facebook Friend #3

Dear Candy Rockwell,

I am truly disappointed that I have no recollection at all when or where I have met you. I'm almost positive you went to Winona, and I might add, maybe just maybe I met you at Phi Lam's? And I'm sure I was quite intoxicated and we all know, how that house party was. Get there at 8 - 8:30 ish and drink as much as we could before everyone got kicked out at 10:30. Stumble back, and wreck havoc in the dorm rooms. So that's my guess of how it all went down. I met you somewhere in those lines of a Typical Freshman Thursday Night.

It looks that you may have a son according to your profile picture. If I can read right, is he wearing a b-day shirt? I'll be the first, to wish him a very belated birthday and hope that he enjoyed all his presents. Hopefully the whole parenting world is going great, as I would not be a fan at the moment if I had a kid. Don't get me wrong it'd be sweet, but man… I know I'm just too young to be a father type. Anyways, I hope you aren't a single mother, because no one should have to tackle that alone. And if you are, I hope that jackass of a dad, trips on his candy bar wrapper and chips his tooth.

Enjoy the world of parenting and I hope he doesn't get stuck in the terrible twos.

Alastar Swift

Facebook Friend #2

Dear Tiffany Cochran,

Thank you for making my friend count (+1) over the years, especially since I was the freshman kind that thought it was cool to have A LOT of friends… until I realized that I suck at remembering names and never got big on adding people. Anyways, I have sat here on my couch contemplating on when and where I had met you. You'd be upset as I have zero recollection of our first meeting, so I am going to guess that I met you freshman year, while I was intoxicated running from house party to house party. If I am wrong please correct me if you ever read this.

From your profile picture, it looks like you are married. That may be the reason I do not recognize your name, gotta' love the fact that women get to change their last names in that whole relationship deal. I hope the best for your marriage and that it doesn't end in divorce after 7 years like most. I personally, would not be that happy to get married at a young age, but good for you!

Farewell and have a safe journey,

Alastar Swift

P.S. - I understand that my wedding invite must have been lost in the mail

Facebook Friend #1

Adam Baier,

I am trying my best to remember when and where we have met. It looks that we both attended WSU about the same time, and maybe on one of my drunken adventures throughout Winona I may have introduced myself. But that is just a simple guess of my own, where it could be a whole different story coming from you. Well, according to your profile picture it looks as if you enjoy playing golf. I wish you godspeed on the golf outings that you may participate in and hopefully you will score that honorable eagle on your way to beating your friends on that dreaded par 5.

Until next time facebook friend, Farewell.

Alastar Swift